Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I Don't Date, I Dabble.

Sometimes by choice, other times I feel I have no choice.

I said it before: the dude I thought I'd eventually be with til I was old, is set to marry someone not named Tina Tassels. Somehow over the years (10+ to be clear) through all sorts of garbage and goodness we've remained friends. I am confident and honest to say he knows more about me than anybody else in my life. In recent weeks our relationship has shifted and I'm feeling much better about the realization that he is not mine nor will he ever be to the fullest capacity. If I believe in love, I must believe that everything is panning out the way it is supposed to.  Hardest physical & emotional stresses to work through but incredibly possible.

As for dating I haven't done it nearly as much as most people my age have. I don't have ex-boyfriend horror stories (thank God) but I also do not have lots of the experiences I fear will catch up to me later in life. On the regular, friends try to reassure me that they won't. I usually agree but as with most things, it is easier to give advice than to take it. During our young lives it is vital to be with ourselves, to realize who we are, who we want to be, and facing reality of what we might not have control over.  I may have this one up over most people I know, but I still feel at a loss. 

I'm pretty sure I wanna be married one day. Sadly I think I just wanna love someone so much and have them be ok with it.  I don't feel comfortable saying I wanna be loved. That's an entirely different issue though. I say it over and over again: when I can afford a therapist I'll be asking all of you for recommendations HA!

I know I can be bitter too. I have far too many stories though that reinforce my frustration rather than help to heal it. I'm not looking to settle down necessarily, nor am I looking to sleep around but I will go with whatever flow feels good in the moment. Unfortunately most recent opportunities are with good people making bad decisions.  This sucks. I have to be honest with myself and admit how selfish I am to open the door when certain someones knock.
If the boats'a rockin, don't com a'knockin!?

All that sappy shit aside, I'm incredibly positive and open to possibility. Like any normal girl I get nervous when a super cute boy is chatting me up but I always assume he's gay and thinks I'm fabulous (stereotype alert!). I have bad gay-dar. I love everyone though I think that's why my radar doesn't even give a shit. My second assumption is that his girlfriend or wife is lingering. Yes, this is an issue in my life. My question after all seemingly good conversation is then "Why didn't he ask for my number either?!" grrrrr haha this my life! But then, because I'm bold and throw caution to the wind I hunt them down and make contact again. Works to my advantage even if for only 1 night.

I think I'm writing all of this because I'm still sorta high from the weekend. Had a really fantastic Saturday night into Sunday afternoon. I don't remember the last time that happened. But this person too is fleeting...what is a girl to do? *sigh

I realize this is a long post of nonsense and it is a bit of random vomit. I'm hanging in my new bedroom, in my new apartment, in my new neighborhood, with my new state of mind. Everything's gonna be alright!

Have a great week!

Ciao for now,

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