Monday, March 12, 2012

I Like Being Alone...

not as often as I am though.

I've become really good at flying solo in all sorts of ways. I consciously go through phases of avoiding friends, family, strangers, whomever. I have grown up in the shadow of a mother who is the same. She shops alone, gets her nails done alone, runs her own business, sits at the kitchen table working alone, etc..This is how we show how "strong" and independent we are. It's malarkey.

The reality is I get lonely. I'm incredibly sensitive compared to most of my family. Although, my real Dad's side in Romania cries as easily and as often as I do. That was the most amazing thing to find out when I finally got to meet them in 2006.  We are incredibly strong in character but emotionally we are sissies ha!

I rarely call friends when I'm upset to avoid appearing needy.  I feel like I have to stay in this mold of the tough, independent in the big city on her own.  What I find interesting about this, having had tear filled conversations with one of my besties, is that my married friends with kids end up neglecting their single friends out of a fear of calling with "boring mom problems".  We're all so sadly pathetic.  The one thing we need to do is pick up the damn phone no matter the reason and just call.  Even if it's only to let someone know you're crying. I think this was my problem on Sunday.

March 11, 2008 my Dad passed away. I'm not over it and think about it more often than anyone else does I'm sure.  Anyway, Sunday marked 4 years.  Every year since, I try to have a "normal" day (I'm not sure why) and it ends up awful and emotionally exhausting.  Somehow my alarm was turned off (perhaps in my sleep??), I woke up late, therefore getting to work much later than I should have.  I was sorta okay until I walked out of my building. It was like suddenly, with people around my tears felt like free flowing. I got to work and couldn't control myself. I had a great conversation with my manager and left for the day.  I honestly think my insides just gave up and forced me to show how vulnerable I was feeling.  I had to cry and talk to someone even if it was only for 10mins, it helped more than she probably knows. She had suffered her own loss in January and we were able to share a much needed moment.

I left and walked up to Central Park and sat for a bit. I was feeling anxious so I didn't stay for too long instead opted for more walking. Went to Columbus Circle, then back down Broadway into Times Square. By that time I had texted a friend of mine who I know always has nice Sundays out brunching and chatting with all sorts of people.  I invited myself to crash his party and it was the best I could have done. I was out until 9p and couldn't have had better company in such short notice.

It's sad that I hesitated to reach out to someone, but I'm so happy I clicked send.

"All you need is love to ease your mind."
~Loretta Lynn~

I hope you have a wonderful week.  The weather has been making the days much easier to get through...

Ciao for now,

TT

6 comments:

  1. Thanks girl & thank you for reading! Xoxo

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  2. Every year that I get older, the fear of my dad passing away becomes bigger and bigger. I can already understand that feeling of emptiness, that you can't talk to him whenever you want, of only having picture and some video clips to watch him in motion - it's the sad thing about modernity and urbanization in this generation. We leave our homes for big cities, and everyone lives so far apart. But take solace in the thought that wherever your pop is, he is looking out for you when you are walking home alone on the street, when you need to make the right decision, when you are sad or happy - he's your guardian angel. And I'm not religious but I totally believe in the cosmic energy.

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    1. I believe in the energies too. Too often, he's actually sitting next to me.
      Thanks C <3

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  3. You are so right about so many things,but just remember you are never alone as long as i'm alive.Love You.

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    1. love you too ma! Thanks for reading xo

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