Monday, October 17, 2011

Mind over Matter.

As long as I kept myself laughing I wouldn't start crying. Everything the priest said I would take the wrong way as to shift my attention from what was really happening.  I always knew I'd be at your wedding, but I didn't think I'd be a guest.

It's over now and at the advice of many this should be closure but it hasn't hit me yet. Today I do not want to get out of bed. I'm still confused and in some thoughts filled with anger.  I feel ripped off by the universe and that everything I believe in has been turned to dust.  At this very second, I am having a hard time looking ahead.  I admit with confidence, that your first dance as husband and wife was the hardest thing I've ever had to sit through in my life thus far. I excused myself midway to collect my thoughts in the restroom. In that moment I needed to walk away as much as I needed air.

Throughout the night I kept conversation, rum'n'cokes, and cigarettes coming. At some point I had really convinced myself that I was somewhere else and nothing of the sort had happened at all. It was in creeping moments of silence when my mind had time to wander. And in those same moments I'd turn my eyes up letting the tears dry on their own.


The beginning of my weekend was nothing short of amazing though. I was at Nurse Bettie's on Thursday with a new act and had super confidence in it. I feel ok to say it went really well and I'm pretty sure it looked great. Either way, I felt like a million bucks afterward.

Friday, I was super honored to both perform then host the Early Bird Special show of Drive Thru Burlesque. It was my first time hosting in Manhattan. I can't believe it's happened...this can only be the beginning!  It was a rough start. I was the opener and the crowd wasn't anywhere near warmed up yet. As with lots of shows once you start feeling the groove and the audience seems looser, the show is about to be over *womp womp* but none the less I had a blast. I took note of some things that worked and didn't work. There is no way to get better at anything than just going for it, working it out on the stage. It was awesome!

I need to update my resume as far as day jobs go. I've done a lot over the last year and haven't put it down in writing yet. I'm not that happy with the things I'm doing to get by and pay rent. I need more creative freedom, a sense of authority (because I like being charge, I'm organized and I'm good at it), and frankly a bigger pay check.

Now, more than ever, is the time I must keep on keepin on.


  1. a sad face emoticon just won't cut it on this one. the beginning of this breaks my heart and all i want to do in this whole world right now is give you a hug. love you bunches and tons and keep on keepin on. xoxo

  2. I'm with Kim on this one. I love you mucho, girl, and these are the times where I wish I lived closer so I could give you a big hug and then take you out for some soul soothing steamed Souen veggies. And a drink or smoke or two (for you). ;)