I had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time, but it was also super emotional. I'm not sure of exactly what it was, but there was a bajillion thoughts going through my head. I was crying pretty uncontrollably come Saturday afternoon. It was so bizarre. I was so overcome with all sorts of feelings that they demanded physical manifestation. I'm such a cry baby :(
I finally got to see my BFF I grew up with. Only this visit I met her almost 7 month old baby. I fell in love instantly and looked at my friend in an entirely new way. I cannot believe some of my best friends are moms. It's unreal. I had to say goodbye after an hour or so and during our goodbye hug I had that feeling of not wanting to let go. The second I closed the door to the house behind me, tears flooded my eyes. I think it was a mixture of missing my old friends, feeling like I'm way behind in life, and overall just wondering what the fuck I was going to do. After a minute or so I had to calm down, I was heading to my parents' house and they're all up in my face.
I played it cool until I went upstairs to shower (everyone knows that's the best place to cry because the water washes it all away and soothes your red face ha!). A blend of fear, sadness, heaping spoonfuls of self-loathing, and a pinch of anger were in that shower with me. I was enraged with the universe. I didn't understand how I got so far across the street from my friends.
That night I headed further into South Jerz for a girl's (and 1 boy) night. Some of us spilled some pretty big beans that we hadn't shared out loud yet and yet again I was crying (while of course laughing at myself saying "SEEEE! I CAN'T STOP!") In a drunken cry fest mode, I actually asked my friend out loud "Damnit, do I have to move back to NJ?" (To which, LP calmly replied, "I think you do."). While I have NO intention to soberly do this, it was even crossing my mind on the drive down. I felt, on that day, that I was missing out on so much. Too much. That I missed my friends, and that feeling of simplicity and comfort I had in the burbs of my hometown. In reality, at this time, I have no desire to move back. And I know if I did I would sit in my room night after night feeling like I had thrown everything I wanted out the window and for nothing.
While my friends' lives move on I have this feeling like I have to be there. Well, I don't. I think all of us just need to know that we are only a couple (if that) hours away physically, and only a 1 second phone call. I'm not far behind anyone being single and childless, I'm just on a different road for now. I don't think any of us really know where we're going, but it's nice to be in this life and figuring it out together.
Ciao for now,