Tuesday, October 23, 2012

E is for Enough Crying Already!

I had one of the best weekends I've had in a long time, but it was also super emotional. I'm not sure of exactly what it was, but there was a bajillion thoughts going through my head. I was crying pretty uncontrollably come Saturday afternoon. It was so bizarre. I was so overcome with all sorts of feelings that they demanded physical manifestation. I'm such a cry baby :(

I finally got to see my BFF I grew up with. Only this visit I met her almost 7 month old baby. I fell in love instantly and looked at my friend in an entirely new way. I cannot believe some of my best friends are moms. It's unreal. I had to say goodbye after an hour or so and during our goodbye hug I had that feeling of not wanting to let go. The second I closed the door to the house behind me, tears flooded my eyes. I think it was a mixture of missing my old friends, feeling like I'm way behind in life, and  overall just wondering what the fuck I was going to do. After a minute or so I had to calm down, I was heading to my parents' house and they're all up in my face.

I played it cool until I went upstairs to shower (everyone knows that's the best place to cry because the water washes it all away and soothes your red face ha!). A blend of fear, sadness, heaping spoonfuls of self-loathing, and a pinch of anger were in that shower with me. I was enraged with the universe.  I didn't understand how I got so far across the street from my friends.

That night I headed further into South Jerz for a girl's (and 1 boy) night. Some of us spilled some pretty big beans that we hadn't shared out loud yet and yet again I was crying (while of course laughing at myself saying "SEEEE! I CAN'T STOP!") In a drunken cry fest mode, I actually asked my friend out loud "Damnit, do I have to move back to NJ?" (To which, LP calmly replied, "I think you do."). While I have NO intention to soberly do this, it was even crossing my mind on the drive down. I felt, on that day, that I was missing out on so much. Too much. That I missed my friends, and that feeling of simplicity and comfort I had in the burbs of my hometown. In reality, at this time, I have no desire to move back. And I know if I did I would sit in my room night after night feeling like I had thrown everything I wanted out the window and for nothing.

While my friends' lives move on I have this feeling like I have to be there. Well, I don't. I think all of us just need to know that we are only a couple (if that) hours away physically, and only a 1 second phone call. I'm not far behind anyone being single and childless, I'm just on a different road for now. I don't think any of us really know where we're going, but it's nice to be in this life and figuring it out together.

Ciao for now,



  1. T$, I felt extra emotional all last weekend, too. And yes, brought up moving back to NJ with the hubs LOL which is not in anyway possible for us right now. Was it something in the air? I've been missing how simple life used to be, too. Seriously feel like you were inside my brain with this post. thanks for sharing girl. Love you forevs.

  2. It was beyond great to see you mama <3