I'M SO CONFUSED!!!!
I say this laughing...like a crazy laugh with wide eyes and my hands open to the sky haha damnit!
I seem to, since my teens, have the lot in life as the girl before the girl and after the girl. Shit, some dudes have even tried to make me the girl DURING the girl. Catch my drift? I'm not quite sure where or when all of this somewhat shitty experience is gonna come in handy, but I'm not getting any younger universe.
I'm coming down from a high on boytoy week. Had a couple of great nights and days with a dude. A dude that yes, I met (he approached me) & hung out with last year, he essentially disappeared, and has now reappeared. Whatevs. The usual. I ain't mad. His company is always a pleasure to be in and I'm expectation free. I welcomed him with open arms and open mouth ...duh we french kiss you guys.
I think my griping is that I'm sick of having no expectations. I am so used to this grind that I'm always mentally prepared for when it's over. Emotionally not so much, but that's OK, I like to feel whatever it is I'm supposed to feel. I also keep thinking back to the night I hung out with my former coworker and long time crush. Actually to the morning. I was completely shut down. I barely talked let alone smiled or even said I had a good time...I was so not my self. Maybe because I think of him differently than the guys I usually hang with? I dunno. But I feel like I ruined that completely. He's been busy...
I wish there was a rule book for how to get out of the friend-zone. Or even out of the friend-I-hook-up-with-sometimes-zone. I dream too much of a relationship developing organically so I won't ever give a guy a friend an ultimatum. Nor would I push him away unless I was getting way too attached and he was way too detached. I know some of you will say don't hook up with them, make it clear what you want, blah blah blah...it's not my thing. I prefer to enjoy the moments and go with the flow and then ya know, write a blog about it for you guys haha <3
So yeah, this is all definitely triggered by someone I saw this weekend too. Being around him just infuriated me. Why can't old thoughts & feelings just go away?
Ciao for now,