The best part of talking something out with a friend or better yet, an *expert* is putting into words the things you hate to hear or admit about yourself. There is something incredibly cathartic though, when you come to terms with the truth; may it be good or bad.
While talking to Rachel (getting my hurr & makeup touched up) before heading onto set, my major fear of relationships was defined clearer than I’d like to admit. For a long time, and still, I’ve felt that my wanting a relationship means I am weak or that I’m lacking a 100% sense of self. That by wanting a partner, I’d be giving up a part of my independence. *Exhale I still get anxious admitting that. It feels weirder because I don’t believe that at all, but have developed an emotional and even internal reaction to it. For the first time in my life I answered the question do you want to be in a relationship, with the word Yes. Plain and simple. *shiver
Before the show, I also realized that I had been working on this issue without even realizing it. I used to make all sorts of excuses of why I was single or better yet, why I should stay single. One of the main reasons I'd argue is that career wise I hadn't settled into anything steady. Since I was still figuring things out I shouldn't bring someone else into that struggle, that journey just in case I get distracted or some other bullshit. A little over a year ago I remember saying to someone else using my exact words that they were silly. And that being in a relationship while figuring things out is 100% possible if you want it to be. Let someone be a part of your journey. I went home that night and while the conversation lingered in my brained I realized I had essentially told myself what I needed to hear.
Another topic we discussed was that apparently I'm intimidating and I have to get over it. That sounds so vain. I just don't understand. I get intimidated by people too, but it will never stand in my way of talking to them. We're only human after all. Let's chat! People are easy to me. Not always nice, but peanuts to navigate or at least attempt to! Don't be shy my dudes, life is short <3
Ciao for now,
Upcoming Shows - Mark Your Calendars:
THIS SATURDAY, 12/13 - Arlene's Grocery with The Three Kings - Improving over some Live Hip Hop...no clue what's gonna happen!
Sunday, 12/21 - Le Poisson Rouge - It's A Pink Christmas!
Sunday, 1/4 - Music Hall of Williamsburg - Lovesick Expo