Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Tuesday with Friends of Tassels: #3

"Rude Awakening"
by Trashy Hipster

I want everyone to (figuratively) close their eyes and imagine this scene.

It’s starting to get late, and your vision is starting to blur and the conversation with this kinda-cute guy is starting to get a little dull. A move gets made and the next thing you know you’re pouring yourself out of the cab that he’s paid for and stumbling up the steps to your brownstone.

The key slips into the lock and the next thing you know you’re naked, your head is throbbing harder with each heartbeat, and as you swim to the surface of your consciousness, you realize that you are being woken up by a man boy interrupting your miserable sleep trying to wedge his half-cocked sorry excuse of an erection between your thighs and into your peach fish.*  Or you actually haven’t gotten any sleep all night because he’s been putting his sticky fingers back inside you all night while you were trying to sleep. Or he has somehow managed to relocate your hand in your sleep and is quietly using it to stroke himself stiff.

And in case it has not already been made abundantly clear, we are not talking about a familiar lover, or even a regular, friendly poke. We are talking about someone who, for all intents and purposes, may as well be a complete stranger. A guy from OK Cupid. Some friend of a friend you met at a party and thought was cute at the moment.

Raise your hand if this has happened to you.

We are talking about sleep rape: a social disgrace and wildly inappropriate, but for some reason, remarkably common. Sure, it’s not rape because consent has already been given and you’re both naked in bed, but it’s not quite consensual either, is it?

You see when a lover wakes you, there is a prelude; a caress, or a kiss perhaps. Slowly, sleepily rolling over until you’re facing each other, a shy, lazy smile. If your partner can be roused, languid morning sex can be some of the best sex there is to be had in the world. But if none of that prelude happens, nothing happens. Because people are trying to sleep.

Just what is the impetus behind this phenomenon? Total release & satisfaction just happened under 8 hours ago – for you definitely. Let’s table the discussion of my satisfaction for now and remain focused on the fact that you are about to sleep rape me. Are you really so dull? Can you possibly believe that in the course of fending off a headache, gagging over the taste of stale cigarettes and beer in my mouth, and aching for sleep that I will actually enjoy myself? Are you actually enjoying yourself trying to get a little more fun in before you duck out? Honestly – what exactly is going through your mind?

I’ll tell you what’s going through mine. Right now, I’m thinking about how soon I can get you out of my apartment and why I let you inside it to begin with. I’m thinking that right now, you still believe that I’m asleep. I’m thinking that right now, I am about to do everything I can to try to make myself seem as repulsive as possible until you are running out of my apartment choking down vomit.

*God, Tom Robbins, thank you so much for that one.

First of all Peach Fish. Nice!
Second of all, maybe I don't get around enough (and thank god if this is what I'm missing), but the idea of this still happening in adulthood just makes me think you're hangin with the wrong dudes! I feel like this is a story I heard happening throughout high school when guys felt too self-conscious while the girl was still at attention. Wow, this all sounds so awful! Hahah I will confess though, I kind of love sleepy sexy time. Maybe because I'm lazy? hahah I just made myself SO unattractive.

I do love the end where you're plotting to get them out as soon as possible. People aren't good at getting the hint. This is a major reason I prefer staying out because I can bounce at any time I want to and usually depending on the sitch. Usually what happens is the wrong person lingers and the right person gets up and leaves *sigh

Thanks again for stopping by Tuesday with FRIENDS of Tassels. If you'd like to submit, please send to TinaTassels@gmail.com. Whether you want to bitch about something , make me cry, need advice (from me and fellow readers), just want to share a story or poems and get some feedback I would LOVE to play hostess for you. Everybody deserves a stage at least once!

I got my period today and I feel like shit. Have a great day! hahaha

Ciao for now,



  1. ugh...ain't this post the truth!! and yes...what IS going through their minds?? haha thanks for putting this into such accurate prose. if I hadn't recently changed my facebook relationship status, I'd frame this and make everyone read it before entering my place...

  2. hahahah Michelle!! You should still frame it.

  3. Maybe have them sign a copy to put on file before you take them home?