Wednesday, January 30, 2013

The Search for Femininity

There are few people in my life that have made me feel like a woman. I don't mean in terms of sexuality but, that I am not one of the guys. I still can't shake it some days. I can't wake up, throw on a dress, and be the me I feel like internally. I struggle with my "funny fat girl" role. What's wrong with being funny? Or fat? Nothing, except when you feel like a higher power is making you character act on a daily basis.

I've worn jeans & tee shirts for most of my life (still do!). To be clear it was usually men's tees & bowling shirts from Merry Go Round. Also my classic husky jeans because the girl's section didn't have any that fit me right. I felt most comfortable not trying to be to girly. Chubby girls aren't fem.

I just finished reading an article in my New York mag (fancy shmancy!) that talks about current studies attempting to prove that we are more impressionable in adolescence than, as previously believed, in our first 3 years of life. That our brains go through a "flurry" of changes during a time in life when we are searching for an identity, living in an realistic setting, and constantly defending ourselves mentally and emotionally.

Til this day I feel masculine because I developed this "nah, I'm cool" defense mechanism to avoid caring too much, or rather SHOWING that I care about much. It essentially effects all aspects of my life: I am terrified to date and I settle when it comes to my career and even some friendships.

Why is it so hard being a plus size, confident, funny, smart girl who wears high heels (I feel like a HUGE beast in them sometimes)? I don't get it.
It's been one of those weeks...

Ciao for now,



  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. I have just started following your blog and I tell ya lady you impress me. I can totally relate to this post. I have always been "one of the guys" and being tall and plus size the nick name of Amazon that I got basically fit. If I ever wore heels I would tower over everyone and felt like I stood out like a sore thumb. Lets just say not a great combo for the confidence and self esteem growing up.
      Not until recently has that changed and I thank women like you who embrace your curves and sexiness. I don't know you personally but from reading your posts you are a pretty amazing, confident lady.
      Try not to beat yourself up too are allowed to have bad days but remember do what makes you happy and don't let other people bring you down.

      Maggie R
      January 30, 2013 at 5:34 AM

    2. 1- Sorry for the delayed reply
      2- Your my fave Amazon ;)
      So glad you stumbled upon my little journal here. I agree, bad days are allowed but the next morning I try very hard to have a clean slate. No time to dwell on silly things!

  2. Great topic Tina , you'd never know by looking at you that you ever struggle with this issue , you always look beautiful ,confident ,and sexy !
    I can relate to this sooo much growing without a mom to show me the girly ropes and being raised by a man made me the ultimate tomboy. When I reached my teenage years , the makeup ,heels ,and push-up bras made me feel less womanly and more like an impersonator . It took a LONG ass time to find what works for me .
    And now that I'm in my forties I have the added challenge of staying age appropriate :/ but hey ,I can still wear my black sabbath tshirt at home right :)
    Anyway thanks for sharing in your honest and comical style.
    It reminds me that no matter how someone looks on the outside they may not be feeling well on the inside , so to be kind even if I don't feel like it :)


  3. I just found your blog and am hooked. (What a treat to stumble onto a post with this much meat on it right out the gate!) But I'm're a burlesque performer who feels masculine? Is that why you do burlesque? Would you feel more safely feminine if you were thinner?

    1. Meat, yum! :D

      Wow, that is a great way to put it "safely feminine" yes indeed. I fantasize that if I was a few sizes smaller that I'd feel much more girly/accepted.

      Although let's be realistic, I'd just find something else to gripe at and just have a smaller waistline!