There are few people in my life that have made me feel like a woman. I don't mean in terms of sexuality but, that I am not one of the guys. I still can't shake it some days. I can't wake up, throw on a dress, and be the me I feel like internally. I struggle with my "funny fat girl" role. What's wrong with being funny? Or fat? Nothing, except when you feel like a higher power is making you character act on a daily basis.
I've worn jeans & tee shirts for most of my life (still do!). To be clear it was usually men's tees & bowling shirts from Merry Go Round. Also my classic husky jeans because the girl's section didn't have any that fit me right. I felt most comfortable not trying to be to girly. Chubby girls aren't fem.
I just finished reading an article in my New York mag (fancy shmancy!) that talks about current studies attempting to prove that we are more impressionable in adolescence than, as previously believed, in our first 3 years of life. That our brains go through a "flurry" of changes during a time in life when we are searching for an identity, living in an realistic setting, and constantly defending ourselves mentally and emotionally.
Til this day I feel masculine because I developed this "nah, I'm cool" defense mechanism to avoid caring too much, or rather SHOWING that I care about much. It essentially effects all aspects of my life: I am terrified to date and I settle when it comes to my career and even some friendships.
Why is it so hard being a plus size, confident, funny, smart girl who wears high heels (I feel like a HUGE beast in them sometimes)? I don't get it.
It's been one of those weeks...
Ciao for now,