I completely forgot it was Tuesdee!
I slept so poorly last night 1 part heartache (not to be confused with heartburn) 1 part moving/money stress & 1 part eating 3 hot dogs. HA! Either way, it was shit and I am tired Tina!
Saw my dude on Friday – it was a last straw attempt to see how we were. I’d rather not go into detail about what you’ve missed because it’s not really my business to tell. I hadn’t seen him in weeks though.
After 1 drink with him and his friends after work (it was already around 3am), I used the ladies room and came back to the table announcing I was gonna go. He, without hesitation said, “I wanna go with you.” I guess I didn’t realize how long I had paused but he immediately put his hands up in surrender and said “only if you feel comfortable.”
I chose my words wisely: I really want you to come, but I don’t think you should.
I gave him a hug and that was it. He didnt even look me in the eye. Its probably better that way. I walked down the sidewalk slower than usual hoping he might come after me. Like in a movie, but he
I went to get in a cab and the driver shared that his card machine wasn’t working. I had to get out because I didn’t have enough cash. I dreamed that maybe it was meant to be. That he might have changed his mind and if the universe put me in that cab I wouldn’t have known. I smoked a cigarette. Give him more time, I thought. Nothing.
I walked myself to the subway.
You never really know how hurt you feel until youre around the person causing it. I felt SO vulnerable. I barely spoke, I barely looked him in the face, and when he held my hand I felt foolish and slowly slipped it out of his. Damn the universe. I know this is bigger than the both of us but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Ciao for now,