I'm feeling underwhelmed or perhaps overwhelmed. Either way, I'm disconnected. I'm not celebrating recent victories, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go anywhere, but internally I'm lonesome, wishing I was somewhere else with my friends. Clearly, I'm stressed and sensitive. Lacking motivation, hence a late blog today and an absent one from last week again.
My weight gain is really weighing on me. No pun intended. Everywhere in my life I have will power and drive to make change, but when it comes to my body and specifically my size I shut down. I feel frustrated and defeated. I've never been thin so it's not about that. It's about feeling comfortable, whatever the size is and right now I'm not feeling comfortable. I don't want to wear any of my clothes - the items that fit anyway. It's crippling my desire to be social & performing more even though I felt I was riding a fresh wave of stage desire.
I feel better putting this all out there. It's very easy to curl up with your thoughts & emotions and cut people off for a bit. We claim we're working through it on our own, but it's really just a fear of being vulnerable.
In respect to performing -- I'm excited to share that I've taken on a MONTHLY show in Staten Island where Meat My Friends all began! Hashtag bar, formerly Full Cup, and I will bring you a monthly burlesque show EVERY LAST FRIDAY of the month. I am curious to see what can happen there in a year and who might grace the stage! The first show hits the Island on March 27. No Cover, bring yo' dollas for the raffle & gogo *wink
I need to clear my head and revamp some things for this year, this month, this week, even this day.
Ciao for now,