Tuesday, February 24, 2015


I'm feeling underwhelmed or perhaps overwhelmed. Either way, I'm disconnected. I'm not celebrating recent victories, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go anywhere, but internally I'm lonesome, wishing I was somewhere else with my friends. Clearly, I'm stressed and sensitive. Lacking motivation, hence a late blog today and an absent one from last week again.

My weight gain is really weighing on me. No pun intended. Everywhere in my life I have will power and drive to make change, but when it comes to my body and specifically my size I shut down. I feel frustrated and defeated. I've never been thin so it's not about that. It's about feeling comfortable, whatever the size is and right now I'm not feeling comfortable. I don't want to wear any of my clothes - the items that fit anyway. It's crippling my desire to be social & performing more even though I felt I was riding a fresh wave of stage desire.

I feel better putting this all out there. It's very easy to curl up with your thoughts & emotions and cut people off for a bit. We claim we're working through it on our own, but it's really just a fear of being vulnerable.

In respect to performing -- I'm excited to share that I've taken on a MONTHLY show in Staten Island where Meat My Friends all began! Hashtag bar, formerly Full Cup, and I will bring you a monthly burlesque show EVERY LAST FRIDAY of the month. I am curious to see what can happen there in a year and who might grace the stage! The first show hits the Island on March 27. No Cover, bring yo' dollas for the raffle & gogo *wink

I need to clear my head and revamp some things for this year, this month, this week, even this day.

Ciao for now,


Wednesday, February 11, 2015

DrugS of Choice

I am in the absolute weirdest mood. Looking at my calendar now it seems another fucking month has passed and I'm PMSing. I am probably the worst girl I know because I always do the what's wrong with me? thing and then I realized oh, duh, girl problem again!

This morning I was inconsolable whether I was watching deaf people hear for the first time or a song came on my stereo that made me long for love. FML!

Gees the universe is really annoying. Friday night, I went home and feel sound asleep on the couch after swallowing whole a plate of nachos (my #1 drug of choice). Around 4am-ish I woke up to walk to bed and checked my phone. I had missed a booty text from my ex (my #2 drug of choice). I immediately replied to say sorry was sleeping on the couch, rain check! The next morning, with a clearer head I admitted to him that I wished I would have just told him to come over if it would have kept him from being with someone else...he never replied. So I'll let you know what happens Friday. HA!

Tomorrow night I'll be at Nurse Bettie's with Calamity Chang and crew for the weekly Spanking the Lower East Side. No Cover, tip bucket, go-go girls --- COME OUT!

I meant to write last night, I promise, ask LP! I told her yesterday, but when I got home and into bed with my laptop it was acting like an asshole and I had absolutely no desire to fix it/go into the living room for better wifi. Zzzzz...that's what I did instead.

What are you Valentine's Day plans? If you haven't got any and even find yourself dateless like so many of us, join me and the beautiful audience at the gorgeous Triad uptown for Love Bomb Burlesque.  I'll be hosting aka sharing my bitterness with a room full of awesomeness -- who needs A date when you can have ALL the dates??

Ciao for now,


PS: I'm just gonna leave that right there for you! Hope you have a lovefilled weekend <3

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

*Rings Doorbell*

Well well well, look who showed up finally...
Just kidding! HIeeee. I know. It's been weeks. Sorry not sorry.

You know my usual spiel: whenever I don't post, I'm either being self-loathing and therefore distancing myself from everything & everyone OR even when I have every intention to sit down with my thoughts, my schedule somehow gets derailed - for good reason - and I don't get to chat with you!  So this time it was all for great reasons followed by sheer laziness, fatigue & hungry-ness aka #PMS HA!

Today I was feeling a bit lonely. I have my girl problem. What do we do when we're feeling lonely? We think back to our exes: what was, what coulda been, what shoulda been, etc...I also realized a pattern of relapses. They've been once a month, every month for the past 3 or 4 months. Hormones make girls crazy!  Sometimes, I hate to say this, but I love skipping a week or two because back tracking and reliving some moments with you make me so happy!! Actually, not only happy, but incredibly grateful for my small fortunes and also that my memory still serves me for the most part. Not even being sarcastic. I started to forget a lot of things this past year and it freaks me out!

Anyway so gees, 2 weeks huh? I guess the most exciting was performing at Nurse Bettie again, being a guest teacher at Burlesque Bikini Bootcamp, seeing Cabaret & Marilyn Manson in the same week, going to a gallery opening filled with Photog friends' works, 2 sold out G-eazy shows with my amazing coworkers, Musical Bingo, Philly for a friend's birthday, Dinner at my fave place Fonda with a visiting friend...and that might do it! *exhale #ThisIsMyLife

Speaking of Nurse Bettie (in the Lower East Side) -- I'll be there again Feb 12! It's always a super fun show and I'm sure it'll be extra sexy since it's the Valentine's Day edition! Get your love vibes flowin before the weekend hits!

On Valentine's Day, I'll be celebrating with a room full of show goers as I'll be hosting Love Bomb Burlesque at the Triad Theater. I am really pumped to be working and especially with this group of women. This group of women is supportive, inspiring, and only seeking to live happy, fulfilled, & empowered lives. THAT'S ALL!

I met them through working with the ladies behind Burlesque Bikini Bootcamp. It's been a couple of years now and I can truly say how honored I am to have met them and work with them on a regular basis. Most recently, I was a guest lecturer/teacher for the 1st installment of their 4 week Solo Intensive course. That was some pressure. All you can teach is what you know. And what I know is that moving to NYC has been an incredible journey of self-discovery. For some reason the universe put Burlesque in my lap and it's served as the vehicle for becoming my best self. I did not seek it out, it found me. When it comes to performing, what I know is that I thought I'd be the next Lucille Ball of Burlesque on stage, but came to terms with how slow & sensual I naturally am and now prefer to be. What I know as an audience member, is how moved I am by a performer's musicality. I know that every flick of a wrist or wink of an eye is that much more effective when set to a horn, or drum, or crash & boom to silence, etc...it becomes the illusion that your body and mind are in complete control of what the song does rather than the other way around. What I know in the duel roll of performer and regular audience member is that no matter what you wear, no matter what song is playing, no matter who you are, if you are NOT enjoying every move you make no one else will. That said, tell me how this doesn't relate to "real" life too, not just a performer's!

After the lecture/Q&A we did a few exercises to practice what I know best: slowing it down.  Using 10 counts we did an entire song with only a few meaningful movements. It emphasized the importance of YOU/your presence as opposed to props and costuming. Those are icing on the cake. I had a blast and look forward to doing it again if the opportunity arises. It also helped invigorate my teaching brain for the bachelorette party that's hopefully still in my future.

Last night I didn't get to finish this post because I went to Indeedy Musical Bingo! It's a UK Bingo sensation that had it's inaugural US show on Monday night at Soho House. I went to meet the managing director to possibly work with them! Meeting is coming up. How fun would it be to host musical bingo games! Fun music, stupid prizes, great audience. That should pretty much be my motto!

No boy news. My crushes are fizzling except for my whacky fantasy boyfriend aka goofy ass lookin Drake. I have major emotional attachment to his music because my ex would always play his music in the cab.  Those few hits will always remind me of our rides home. I've also turned on my Match.com profile but without paying you can only do so much. Right now I'm not paying for anything extra in my life. No gym, no dating service, nothing but good times ha! Yes, I said gym. I've really been down on myself about my weight. I just have no motivation to actually get moving. It's definitely the winter, it's definitely the shorter days, and every other excuse I can find. It's just never been my thing but I know that if I sign up for a class or gym membership I'd go. Working out at home just never happens. I also just wish I could afford a treadmill. That sounds dumb because I could just go walk around right? I just love treadmills ha!

Into the universe (aka Facebook) I posted something about splurging to go see Cabaret with Emma Stone and THAT AFTERNOON SOMEONE CALLED ME WITH AN EXTRA TICKET! Every other show was sold out until since it was her last 2 weeks. That's crazy. It was nothing short of amazing. And that theater. I die. It also happened to be Alan's birthday and I found out later he spent his evening at Duane Park. So happy!

I hope you're doing well, it's time for some R&R on my end! Have plans tomorrow night though? I'll be hanging out here! Get your tickets asap.

Ciao for now,


PS: This is my current mood because #yolo.