Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Late, Don't Hate

Had a long day at work yesterday that started early morning THEN went out for some Birthday drinks for 1of my fave women, Supreme Overlord of PUG Laura!
It was a fabulous gathering of amazing women.

Today I am making the set list and gearing up for The Peacock Party.  I'm really excited and still so honored to be putting on a show at beautiful Duane Park. I love the performers I'll be hosting so no matter what it's gonna be a blast! Will you be there?

Dude update? Hmmm i guess nothing really jumping out at me. I'm still into him. I don't know if it will fade away . Like usual, I'm just waiting for it which obviously means I'm technically not helping the situation. I think about him a lot. From all sorts of POVs I look at the possibilities. We hung out for a bit on Sunday and walked hand-in-hand to the train. That was the best.

Ciao for now,


Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Been Nice Knowin Ya!

Oh man, Mr. Toothbrush has been laying it on pretty thick lately. And lets pretend (because honestly we don't really know) that he means everything he's saying.

He compliments my brains as much as my face & body. He's asked if I was seeing anyone else since our 3rd hang, repeatedly says there's something different about me and most currently questioned how my mom would feel about me dating him (he's a non-white boy). In 100% girl mode these are all positives right? Well here I am making fun of his kindness, being self-deprecating to the point where I say don't get ahead of yourself,  you barely know me. I'm basically pushing him out the door saying nice knowing you. Why? Its weird because I've also never been so vocally cynical with a guy. I've put some guards up with him pretty quickly while, with every hang, making myself even more vulnerable. Its a real 'll y interesting situation unravelling.

The heaviest part came when -while pillow talking in the am, he says something like "blah blah blah super nice intense things blah blah I think I could like you for a long time."
I froze. For a solid minute we just layed there looking at each other.  I finally spoke, barely fighting tears and a shaky voice, "well, see how fucked up I am. I dont know how to reply. I can't even receive what you just said. I'm sorry, I'm kinda freakin out." And he hugged me harder and told me I didn't have to say anything, it's ok.
It was the best morning/afternoon/early evening we've had together :)

He also -in a sexed up stupor- said something he probably forgets or wants to forget. I texted my friend the next day and she's the only one that knows hahah maybe I'll tell him and you guys one day!!

So apparently next on the agenda he wants to show me his fave place but it's outside otherwise we woulda went Sunday night. I don't know what's going on, but I'm trying -by the advice of many- to just breath and believe that I am worthy of it.

Thanks for checking in again! Would love to hear your thoughts or experience of the same struggles...make a sure to comment below!

Ciao for now,


PS: I get a gold star for typing this on my CELL PHONE bc my computer was being a dick. Sorry for the delay but thanks for the read :) love yous guys!!

DEC 20TH I'll be joining the Burlesque Bikini Bootcamp girls yet again for a night of holiday performances at Le Poisson Rouge!!

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Good While It Lasted

Ew. I hate the phrase "settle down". I also pretty much hate people that use it before the age of 70. It freaks me out for so many's the beginning of an ending!  Any guy looking to settle down, is NOT looking for a Tina.

I thought about this while having a text session with DB and she clearly stated what it was she was looking for in a mate and then asked me. I said a few of the usual key words, but quickly realized I don't exactly know what it is I want. That's something I'm trying to redefine for myself - if it's even possible. A broken heart really does shatter every bit of reality you had any faith in. That shit is tough to recover from! (Especially when that shit texts you.)

I also carelessly added "I take what I can get" referring to men that will essentially be in a relationship with me but it either remains anonymous or unlabeled and eventually fades out. I always have a Good While It Lasted mentality because I know I wouldn't waste so much time with just anyone, but I'm yet to be wowed. I'm yet to be surprised by someone that actually sticks around or even, at the least, is vocal about what's going on in his brain.

For a long time I described myself as undeserving and unready for a relationship. I had pages of excuses listing what I lacked when it came to the things I had to offer a potential partner. They ranged from not having a career (whatever the fuck that means anyway), to being plus size with confidence (double whammy). Finally, I realized it was silly to expect of myself so intensely, things that I did not require or expect from a potential love or anyone that I could care about in general. Perhaps, I believe in the "when you know, you know" theory, although I thought I knew and was apparently wrong soooo...yeah. ha!

Either way, single or not, I'm truly enjoying myself right now. Working on my social life has been a nice boost (totally broke but whatevs). Even if I sit at the same place night after night, I love it and I love how I feel there. In regards to Mr. Toothbrush, we hung out the other night and he discovered a new bar/restauarant and said "I have to take you there, I think you'll love it" so we went. and sat by a fire (yeah) and smooched in a booth. *sigh
He also said more really nice things that guys shouldn't say if they don't mean em. We talked about the toothbrush double standard and I was laughing while he got worked up TRYING to disagree that it can be translated to a "big deal". He left his shirt this time around...I said if you're trying to move in you need to relax lol that got a hug and a kiss. Nice!

Ciao for now,