Tuesday, October 29, 2013


I hadn't been brought to tears by this guy in awhile.  I've been good with keepin my mind moving forward and letting the past stay in the past. Seeing him recently just seemed to break me. It also stemmed from a really beautiful (which I didn't tell her it was beautiful, but it was) conversation I had with my girl LP.  I found it sad while also cleansing.

We got into a discussion about how some people decide to settle into a life that does not challenge them. It doesn't move them. It doesn't inspire them. I know some of you will ask "well, how do you know? who do you think you are to assume such a thing?" I too was and still am a bit skeptical to accept it happens, but I'm sure it does. I wanna believe it's impossible. I wanna believe that I am not the only one who refuses to live a mediocre life no matter how long I get to be alive. Mediocre is also subjective, I just want people to know they deserve happiness and deep love.

I sit writing this with tears in my eyes. I think I just miss him. As a friend. As anything. As a constant.

Ciao for now,


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Just Another non-Manic Tuesday!

Dude Update: The update is there is no update. Whatevs! His Loss.
I was very tempted, thanks to PMS induced neediness, to call  an ex-lover AFTER he called me for the first time in awhile. I held out though and avoided old habits! Woohooo, I get a gold star for that!

I got my confirmation email for Who Wants to be a Millionaire next Wednesday. I'm registered to audition too! Man, I could really use the money and the on-air attention haha 2birds, 1stone!

I've been costuming and researching music and writing a proposal email for a show at a venue that would be SO fuckin exciting. I also dreamed about it 2 nights ago. The entire intro, the audience, I could see everything so clearly. A dream like that makes waking up that much more exciting. Need to start making things happen and not just talk about it! Not sure why I'm being so stationary. I know it's again some weird fear working against myself but I need to get over it because it's gonna eat me alive and months from now I'll need a good slap in the face to snap out of it.

I also keep trying to brainstorm a good series of Vlogs. What do you think? What's my edge? My reason? WHY AM I ALIVE? hahah
Was just reading some old posts and comments and I felt really overwhelmed with gratitude. I still can't believe people show up weekly to read and even write sometimes. I thank you so much xo

Ciao for now,


I also started to slowly try out some swarovski on a bra. cray!

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

This Game We Play?

I'm going a little kookoo. In private, but now I'm sharing it with you. I am thinking WAY too much about someone that is seemingly conflicted. What I'm about to tell you, you may judge me for, but that's your problem not mine. I'd rather just be honest.

The first time I mentioned this guy I wrapped up by saying I felt like he had some sort of long distance thing going on. He never directly mentioned it but in conversation the girl he spoke of didn't seem like such an ex. The other night, while I was enjoying a drink at his place of work, we befriended a Texan couple and at one point during conversation he said the lady and I.  Later that night he met the Texan couple and I at another venue for a nightcap. I was a few drinks deep but became even more giddy when he arrived. He sat down and comfy, but before the night went on I very directly asked "Do you have a girlfriend? Long distance or something going on?" (it was very loud in the place and frankly I didn't really care but I wanted to clear it up and enjoy the rest of the night)
Him: Yes.
Me: OK, I just want to clarify what I'm potentially getting myself into. You haven't exactly hid it but you never came out and mentioned it.
Him: Yeah. - shuffling to put his bag under the table) It might not be so long distance pretty soon.
Me: Got it. And that's fine, I'd rather just know. I think you're funny, and charming, and cute, and I would just like to enjoy some time with you because I think it's great.
Him: Me too, that's what I think about you. I don't make out in public though (I had texted him hurry up I wanna makeout haha!)
Me: That's fine I was just teasing, but 1 kiss?
Another one?

We sat quiet for a bit after the Texans left and sipped our drinks. My recollection is a bit fuzzy over the rest of conversation, but once again I know he said - while looking away - "I need to figure some things out." He put me in a cab, one last smooch and that was it. That was Thursday night. I texted him Saturday to come eat Chinese food, this is more of a bat signal that I was thinking about him. I didn't expect him to come or even to reply, but I haven't heard from him since that night out. I'll be leaving it up to him now. I'm having a hard time gauging how much I'm allowed to enjoy this.

I know some of you are thinking I'm awful for still wanting to pursue this even after admitting having a girlfriend. Some of you think I'm wasting time for one reason or another and some of you might just wanna know what's gonna happen next -if anything- like me!

Honestly I'd be curious to hear from a straight guy's POV.

Ciao for now,


Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Lady In Waiting

AND STILL! This guy is hilar. Totes bad at making plans, and even worse at general texting. I kinda love it.

Anyway, o I had the best pre-birthday week ever. When my 30th rolled around on Friday, the 4th, I actually woke up with some gnarly congestion, teary eyes, and a pounding -non-hangover related- headache.  But let's work backwards:

3:20am: Booty calling 30+mins after 2 unanswered texts spaced 3minutes apart. I was feeling needy. WHERE'S MY MANTTENTION!? Don't judge.

3:19am - 11:30ish: Oh hi, I was taken to the Strip Strip Hooray afterparty at Sleep No More by the new love my life Natasha Estrada. I was so happy to see Francine, Bettina May, Tansy, and BooBoo Darlin there too! And how could I forget Jo Boobs , as well as Johnny Porkpie! (Look them up, they're all incredible people & performers!) Obviously cast members Dita, Murray, the Vontourage, Perle Noire, and even Monsieur Romeo were there! Hubba hubba. Oh yeah, I saw Alan Cumming too! It's been a few years, but we picked up right where we left off! With a double boob grab obvi. I'd feel bad about all the name dropping but #SorryNotSorry - it was fabulous and I was honored to have been invited!

11p-8:30ish: SHOW TIME! Got to meet and spend time with some amazing women! I won't even go into it, check us out - woot woot!

8:00-6:30: I was stuffing my face at John's of 12th with Shrimp Parmigiana! Yum.

AND before all of this I was dressing myself in my new PUG Vamp Top - my first ever tiger print anything (other than a bayside tiger costume) and I wore it with my Dixiefried Perfect Pencil Skirt!

This is what 30th Birthday Eve looks like!

Last week I mentioned I was going to have a drink at Mr. Bartender's work on Wednesday night and I did and it was fab. He couldn't be funnier if he tried! Here's the latest quip:
Me: Where are we going tonight?
Him: Whoa is that French? What is this we talk?

Get it? I was dying. Yet here I am, not having heard from him 3 hours later than he said. No biggie, I needed to get this done I guess :)

Ciao for now,


Tuesday, October 1, 2013


My birthday week started yesterday as far as I'm concerned. After spending the day recouping from my college bff's wedding, I went to the Golden Pastie awards! Although I'm 1% sour I didn't get to be a presenter ONE MORE TIME, I was over the moon to enjoy the show and the fabulous company!  My weekend was filled with so much laughter, sweet dance moves, and a lot of sweat. Just perfect.

Friday is the big day, but before I rush to my altar of aging, I've got another exciting couple of nights ahead: 1) This dude, STOPPED BY MY WORK TODAY. A little crazy, because I was thinking about him all morning and figuring out when to go have a drink at HIS job. I was trying to not be so eager and I guess it worked in my favor? Who knows! I'll be seeing him Wednesday.
2) Thursday night, I've been invited by the fabulous Supreme Overlord of Pinup Girl Clothing to the Dita Von Teese / Natasha Estrada / Murray Hill Strip Strip Hooray Burlesque Show! I cannot be more grateful for the people I have in my life. So looking forward to this night, aaaahhhhhh!
3) If it feels right, I'll be getting my knuckles tattooed at Hand of Glory on Friday, my actual birthday. We'll see!

I am so sleep deprived - for all good reason - but I am ready to hit the hay. I hope you have a wonderful week, and in spirit I'll be carrying you all with me while I celebrate an exciting milestone!! Thanks for stopping by <3

Ciao for now,


There's a playfully edited picture from Sunday night. I got to wear my Silver Glitz dress by Bettie Page Clothing again!