Monday, May 28, 2012


A little shout out to my bff MCT for texting me that hash tag (we're obsessed with them) while I was explaining  what was going on.

I'm a little pissed. Actually, I feel embarrassed and I shouldn't, but I do, so now I'm pissed that I'm embarrassed against my will!!
Guys suck. I keep faith in people and places and things on the regular, I'm optimistic & forgiving, BUT every now and then I get fed up. The good thing though, is that I can come here and publicly bitch about it and hopefully hear some of your stories, shared confusion, or maybe you'll flat out tell me I'm nuts. If you choose the last option, I'll happily say go fuck yourself, thanks byeeeee!

Here goes:
Fresh out of work, go to see some friends I hadn't in some time. My first Saturday night on the town in a while. So it's one of my really great guy friends and his cousin whom I think is so awesome, smokin hot, and just an amazing person in general. I've also known him for years and we don't have any history other than him being my teenage crush ha!
We're all sipping champagne, relaxing at our friend's apt, just bullshitting and catching up. After a couple hours we head out into the world. The rest of the crew goes ahead into a restaurant, said cousin and I stay out for a smoke. Forgive my memory, I'm not sure how the convo even started, but cousin begins to confess (essentially) how "sexy" he finds me and that he thinks about me often while enjoying his own company (catch my drift?) and even complimented my skin (via his fantasy obviously because it isn't that wonderful).  Of course with all this unbelievable and unexpected info I was intrigued. WHO WOULDN'T BE?! I mean a guy who I think of as totally out of my league when it comes to looks and career and family etc...just spilled his guts to me and SOME OF HIS GUTS WERE ABOUT ME!  Trying to keep as cool as I could while the teenage girl inside me was screaming, I said "interesting...this is all very good to know" in addition to eye contact and a sly tone in my voice I was more than obvious in making it clear that I felt great about all the news. I even jokingly implied that he can't tell me this on the side of a street because now I'd wanna make out.
OH! And a bit earlier, while still in the apt I was sitting legs crossed and he jokingly motioned as if motor-boating my lap and I said "you can if you want to" and he seemed surprised. His reaction to my reactions was so interesting almost like he didn't believe I would be into him.
Aside from all of my in the moment clouded-by-champagne judgement, I still couldn't shake the possibility that if nothing else we'd get to at least make out down the road so I amped up the flirting just a pinch. By the way, we did sneak in about 20 quick seconds of smooch time when the room was weird. I'm still in awe as I write this haha

Anyway, I texted him the next day to tease about his confessions and then decided that I'm going to have to be the aggressor because even though he's felt like this he's obviously never pursued me further than in his head. After a few flirty texts over a couple days he replied in a very casual tone: next time we hang out we'll see what happens. There was a little more in his message and his word choice was a little cutting. I felt blind sided. So I offered a never mind because now he's ruined it!

I don't understand. Did I get ahead of myself? Why did he spill such personal things? And out of nowhere? Frankly, this isn't the first time a guy has done this verbal spewing, but the others used it as their buttering me up bit. (Damnit, I'm easy haha!) Is it just him? I know he's got some things to work through but I've been hearing a lot of other stories like this. I just don't get it...hence, I'm a little bummed out and as a mentioned above embarrassed that I was trying to take initiative even if it was in a mild manner (just so were clear, mild!).

Yet again, I'm feeling foolish when it comes to men...*sigh
 This aside I might be ending things with my part-time lover, stay tuned!

I've got a show Friday, probably one of my favorites to do: Rock and Roll Roadshow at Rodeo Bar!!

I might also be heading back to Rock Your Yoga with BexLife to do her hair! Not sure if my schedule is going to allow the last minute change *fingers crossed*

I hope you enjoyed your 3 day weekend. I was at work each day but have been enjoying it with my coworkers. I am working hard so I can play hard later!

Ciao for now,


Tuesday, May 22, 2012


It is! And you too! It's about all of us as individuals!
Watching your friends grow up into amazing people is such a delight. Probably the only thing I enjoy about aging is experiencing the smart, gorgeous, and independent adults they become. You start talking to each other in different ways and end up learning so much about one another in a mature, open, and honest way.

That said, I had a great a weekend! One of my bffs came to visit from Philly and it's always a blast because I get to hang with a crew I don't see much. A few of us ended up having a great conversation, but the topic always leaves me sad. I don't want to go into too much detail about his business but one of the guys was basically sharing how "outsider" he feels to his family (the feeling provoked by his present brother). His life took a huge unexpected turn that was out of his hands and since then he's been living so independently people accuse him of being selfish and immature. That he's "avoiding growing up".  I shake my head and have to laugh at this otherwise my blood will start to boil. I'm SO over family making someone feel that they're life is not being lived the way someone is supposed to.  My biggest issue is that us vagabonds of our families, the black sheep, are trying our best to be the happiest. We don't bother anyone, we don't ask for much, we struggle at our own expense, and this is all usually in the pursuit of our dreams. I'm so confused and saddened that usually our families make us feel the worst about it. Everyone seems to suffer in our lack of what they feel would be accomplishments. My friend and I took a moment to reflect asking ourselves "what if we stayed in NJ?" I had no idea how to answer what my life would be like but I know I'd be miserable.  We also shared a similar sentiment saying how there are days we dream that all we wanted was to live close to our family, get a job, get married, have kids and then call it a day. This isn't our reality though. I never say I want more because the simple suburban life isn't less, but I know that anything I've ever wanted in life isn't found in the burbs of Southern NJ. Well one thing, but I can't have him so it's better I got out of there ha!

I'm sure most parents would say in response "wait until you're a parent, you'll see what we feel." They're right, I have no idea what it's like to be a parent, but I do know what it's like to be human and an adult. And I also know how hard it is to be the person you want to be rather than conforming or sticking to old habits. I also understand what it's like for you to be a person outside of the role of a parent. I often wonder what you wish was different in your life or if you think of old dreams.  I also wish you would take some time to reflect in a mature, adult way and try to see me outside of the role of your child. See my struggles for what they are, my pursuits with my goals in mind, and just believe for one second that no matter how scared, unhappy, broke, sad, or alone I feel I know you have my back and that all this will be worth something one day.

I don't want my friends (or anyone) to hurt and I don't want them to carry the weight of responsibility for other people's happiness. That is NOT what life is about.  I want everyone to be happy, doing whatever it is that makes them happy without doing harm to themselves or others.  This is the simplest and fairest dream of all!  If I'm not worrying, stop worrying about me. And if you can't, keep it to yourself because the problem is clearly yours, not mine.

*sigh I had to get this out. It's just so simple yet the cycle continues and I meet more and more people carrying a burden that they are blamed for yet have nothing to do with. Live & Let Live.

I am excited to have a show on Friday night that is Saved by the Bell themed! Work a few days then I'm heading back to Rodeo Bar on June 1st, which is always a blast with a Live Band!

Ok, time to clean up my apartment, especially my bedroom: laundry to the ceiling and dust balls getting bigger by the minute YUCK! Have a great week and even better memorial day weekend!!

Ciao for now,


Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Casualties of being Casual: 2

I was pursued, wooed and with reluctance accepted a dinner date after the 3rd and what would have been the final attempt. (Persistence is key gentlemen) The beginning of this perfect non-relationship relationship was awesome. Dinners at random joints I had never been to, going into a new book store, A HACKER'S MEETING!! Yeah. I know. And now it's reached it's regular schedule of just having a sleepover.

Fine. I get it. That's technically what this is all about but why woo then??  My biggest problem...well I dunno if it's a problem, but I very naturally succumb to the "out of sight out of mind" dilemma.  I'll call it a problem actually. It happens with my friends too. It's kinda sad how I'll go on alone and not blink about it. But anyway...when it comes to a relationship, even if it's only for some booty here and there, the appeal fades if your interest in spending time together fades. It's not as exciting as it promised to be.  Am I asking too much? Do I want a non-boyfriend boyfriend? Nah, because I don't like obligation, but I do like interaction.  Maybe I'm just not cutout for this casual stuff? I won't bring it up to him, it's not his problem. And if I'd be starting an argument of sorts, it means this has gone in the complete opposite direction or our intentions. And just to be clear, I know this guy as my boyfriend just wouldn't work. The differences that make us interesting to each other are still differences I know would completely piss each other off in the long run.

 Funny enough, this month's Cosmo mag has a write up about being the girl in limbo. If you want it to get serious speak up or if not, then break it off. It says that staying in an "almost-relationship" is potentially keeping you from meeting other people.  It is easy to avoid chatting up someone new or scoping out a crowd when you know what sort of company you will be having the next night. I agree with this 100% and am obviously living it, but to each his own even if it's only for a limited time. As long as I'm enjoying myself I'll continue with it, when things wear off then it's onward and upward!  For now I'll enjoy my random emotional, physical and mental fulfillment from someone who is doing a fine job.

I hope you had a nice weekend and if you were a mother, you got a little more attention than usual! I missed my mom due to work but she spent the day sun bathing in our quiet back yard so I don't feel so bad :) Have a great week, I am excited to be taking my first ever belly dance class on Thursday! Woohooo! Can't wait to tell you all about it! Thanks for reading..

Ciao for now,


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Growing Pains

I'm missing New Jersey and my childhood friends a lot lately. I don't deal well with time passing.  My closest friends all live within 3 hours of each other but we've all got different things that keep us from getting together on a whim the way we used to.  Whether it's our job, babies, money, commuting's just not as easy as it used to be when we were spoiled with playtime in our small hometown. Growing up means growing apart but my friends and I are doing our best and I think we're all ok for now :)

I often try to imagine what I would be doing if I still lived in NJ or even if I were to move back. I'd probably be working with my friends over at Rocco's (especially now with the new restaurant opening up), living in some sort of apartment if I hadn't decided to buy a condo (thinking of how much money I've spent on rent sometimes makes me feel like an idiot) or perhaps still freeloading at my parents'.  I had already quit getting my teaching certificate before I got my job offer in NYC so I know I wouldn't have pursued that. Perhaps I would have gone to beauty school with my bff KS? Who knows. I'd also be pining for a man I could not have. Being away makes it much easier to keep him out of my face hahah

If I had the luxury of a job that gave me weekends off I would be visiting everyone over the next couple of weeks. I can't request off much more because I've got shows coming up and pre-wedding activities. I'm not complaining either, just sayin. My girlfriend time, especially to meet my will-be God daughter Alessandra will have to be put on hold for a bit! *sigh  I'm probably feeling this way because I'm just lost and trying to figure out shit. It's like I don't know what I wanna do, but actually I wanna do it all then the problem is where to start! I'm in a creative funk but I've got shows coming up and I am stoked! After being at Nurse Bettie's a couple of weeks ago it was like a kick in the butt so I picked up some supplies while in NJ to make a new costume...let's see how it comes out!!

Here's my upcoming shows - hope to see you there :)

Tuesday, May 22 - WORKING THE DOOR
The Pink Room: David Lynch Burlesque
Parkside Lounge

Friday, May 25
Saved by the Bell: The Burlesque Years
Bar Matchless

Friday, June 1
Rockabilly Roadshow
Rodeo Bar

Thursday, June 7
The Peel: Burlesque at the Beach
Coney Island

Saturday, June 9
Bomb This Joint: The Big 7-inch Release
Otto's Shrunken Head


Thanks again for stopping by, hope you enjoy each second you get with your friends and family. I know I do no matter how sporadically it may be! Endless love...

Ciao for now,