Getting older is amazing. I used to be fearful of age
because I associated it so closely with death. Seriously.
I’m realizing that with the more people I meet and the more
experiences I rack up, becoming my best authentic self is that much easier.
Although it proves to be difficult at times, fighting for myself only helps me
project a better Tina upon the world around me and hopefully beyond in the years
to come.
I’m an admitted commitment-phobe. I know this stems from a
history of “relationships” that conditioned me to feel as if I will never be
taken seriously as a partner. That only behind closed doors I am an ideal. With
age though, I understand that the few men I’ve had in my life could not accept
me because they were not able to accept themselves. This is not my fault. It
never was and never will be as long as I am willingly to offer my best self along
with my few flaws haha *wink*
My relationship, yes the one in the last post almost 4 months ago to the day, has grown into something
incredible. I thought I could make my decision public and put it down on virtual paper and THEN I'd "stick to the plan". I was obviously mistaken. I have something I never thought I would have and it feels great. I know
nothing lasts forever, but I’m ok pretending it will. I had many a warning in addition to many words of encouragement. The reality is there is no 1 way to navigate this boyfriend/girlfriend thing. I'm learning everyday.
He came to my family's thanksgiving celebration which was a breeze as I knew it would be. I guess this is a "big deal", but I don't know. It just felt normal and right; Weirder if he WASN'T there, ya know? Life is wild.
Performing has definitely taken a back seat due to my day job. I have less time and less energy to focus on being innovate. This is bittersweet as I love my weekend/manfriend time, but I still love taking events when I can! That said come SEE ME!
Sunday, December 20th at I’ll be at Le Poisson
Rouge with some of my favorite people. The ladies that are behind and part of
the Burlesque Bikini Bootcamp movement have proven over and over they work and
exist with open arms. Celebrate a HOT PINK CHRISTMAS with us!
Saturday, January 9th I'll be at the LoveSick Wedding Expo for the 3rd time! I have some dear friends behind this operation from day one and am SO happy for their continued growth. This "outside of the box" wedding event has the best in local vendors. Come hang out, I promise it's not JUST for couples planning to go down the aisle!
I hope you are all well and thank you for tuning in despite the hiatus. I'm leaving for vacation with two of my girlfriends, LP & KB, on December 14th. #GetMeTheFuckOutOfHere
In an effort to maintain the confidence - in mind, body, & spirit - that I work so hard for I've decided to part ways with my (on&off) boyfriend of 3 years.
I choose to keep my private life private, but decided to share with a vain belief that perhaps it might influence someone in my situation to gain the necessary strength it takes to move on from such a life.
I will never air anyone's dirty laundry as that is not conducive to moving forward. I will say that when dating an addict there comes a time (in my case a 2nd round) when you must accept that you can no longer help someone if they do not want to help themselves.
I am deeply in love with someone that cannot accept it. If I stay any longer I am only enabling and that is the bottom line.
Please don't ask me questions, but I would love to hear your stories. I hope to preserve a safe space here where we can come together and share.
I'm sorry it's been almost 5 months since you've heard from me. I have been thoroughly enjoying my life with some really exciting things to look forward to. I hope you are all well.
HI!
Happy Thursday! It's a quiet week at my day job as most people are gone for SXSW in Austin. I on the other hand am gearing up for shows & a wedding! There is definitely a block in the universe that prevents me from posting on Tuesday. I swear. It's the weirdest thing. I did have every intention of posting yesterday but got way sidetracked at work. Like I should be, ha! Then my evening was taken up with a show at Mercury Lounge for client Sundy Best. THEY ARE SO CUTEEEEEE! Definitely check out this Kentucky crossover band. I was definitely won over.
I'm also considering officially changing my new blog posts to go up on Wednesday. There is something about Tuesday that's like a total block. It's so bizarre!! I can't win, I love the ring of Tuesday with Tassels obviously, BUT #TuesdayOnWednesday isn't so bad, right? *scratches head
What are you doing Saturday night? Treat yourself & perhaps your man or woman to a show dedicated to the butt. That's right, the butt. I'm heading back to host at Drom with the ladies of Burlesque Bikini Bootcamp for the Booty Pageant! I'm excited for this as I cannot do much with my butt except squeeze it into too tight jeans ha!
How is my fake online dating going? Great! I wrote back to 1 person that made me Hword HA! Other than that, I'm playing dead. I should just close it down, but I'll pretend for a bit more. Some people claim it's a nice confidence boost, I beg to differ. That sounds so snobby, but C'MON!!!! Some of these people. I'm just being honest.
Next Friday, we're starting out monthly gig at Staten Island's Hashtag Bar. Such good people to work with so I'm really looking forward to getting back there regularly. We have a great 1st cast too. Hopefully you can make it to Meat My Friends and tell me about your online dating ;)
I had an unexpected busy day at work yesterday (also time
flew) AND I got approved for my FREE AMY SCHUMER TICKETS last night so
obviously I wasn’t gonna put anything on halt for this ha! Priorities were top
notch!
So after standing outside of The Heath (McKittrick Hotel / Sleep
No More headquarters / Dita after party place) in the rain for over an hour we
were let up via the only entrance: an elevator that fits on average 8 people. It
was fun – while our seats kinda sucked because we were off to a harsh stage
right, it was a blast. It was cool to hear & see Amy do her new material that
I only witnessed via TV on Comedy Central’s Night
of Too Many Stars on Sunday. She’s good. Total girl power advocate which is
right up my alley. AND the cherry on the top was Bridget Everett coming out at
the end to do a song and hump a sexy black dude’s face. The entire performance
was #MyHeaven and I kept my phone away like a good audience member. I didn’t
even sneak a peek for you guys. THAT’S how awesome it was. I love these 2 being such good friends & working together. They feed off of each others energies. They inspire & support one another and continue to grow as confident, independent women. The real deal. I can only hope to work with them in any capacity one day!
Zoning in our first Meat My Friends at Hashtag Bar. Need to finalize some things and we'll be ready to go! Will be fun / adventurous to be back on the island once a month! Especially great to be hosting & performing every month too!! I'm also highly appreciating the enthusiasm from some fellow performers. #SpreadLove
Today is the 7th anniversary of my real (as
opposed to my step) dad’s passing. The day
is just so heavy. Even the years I wake up not knowing what day it is, the
second I look at a calendar it all makes sense.
Ciao for now,
TT
PS:
Friends send me things like this to remind me that life rules: Dinner & Duane Park tonight.
When I told my friend I've been listening to Ginuwine all day she replied, "Damn girl, go get laid!"
I died. Not long after my coworkers also creeped up and asked if I was making love. HA! I love my people.
I'm feeling 1000x better than last week which is freaking me out as my PMS was extreme. The low was very low. Mama don't like that! I haven't taken birth control for years. I only began using it as an attempt to deal with skin issues. I eventually stopped due to money, growing out of my harsher acne phase, and frankly not having sex! I'm wondering how others deal with a temporary depression essentially without taking medication?? Talk to me!
I don't know if I'm also genuinely Hword (because we're animals and that's how I roll) or my need for affection is getting the best of me! Hence Ginuwine, hence almost calling an older ex for some casual taking care of, hence signing up for OkCupid yet again.This is not exciting to me. I also hated that I swiped left so much that one came up to swipe right and out of habit he went down the drain. #NotMeantToBe? I'm giving it a solid chance. I promise. And obviously if I go on any meetups I will let you know. This is terrifying & exciting at the same time!
I had another photoshoot with my friend Jose. I'm wondering if he found it to be some what challenging as I was not feeling 100%. Weight gain and having my girl problem and general negativity I went into it reluctant. We both agreed though that it is always always better to just do it - as with most things. Here's the first shot he released. I'm laughing at my chunky little legs and wide face. It is with great strain that I'm accepting this photo of myself as a good one, but this is me. Now. In this moment. The only moment that counts.
I'm feeling underwhelmed or perhaps overwhelmed. Either way, I'm disconnected. I'm not celebrating recent victories, I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want to go anywhere, but internally I'm lonesome, wishing I was somewhere else with my friends. Clearly, I'm stressed and sensitive. Lacking motivation, hence a late blog today and an absent one from last week again.
My weight gain is really weighing on me. No pun intended. Everywhere in my life I have will power and drive to make change, but when it comes to my body and specifically my size I shut down. I feel frustrated and defeated. I've never been thin so it's not about that. It's about feeling comfortable, whatever the size is and right now I'm not feeling comfortable. I don't want to wear any of my clothes - the items that fit anyway. It's crippling my desire to be social & performing more even though I felt I was riding a fresh wave of stage desire.
I feel better putting this all out there. It's very easy to curl up with your thoughts & emotions and cut people off for a bit. We claim we're working through it on our own, but it's really just a fear of being vulnerable.
In respect to performing -- I'm excited to share that I've taken on a MONTHLY show in Staten Island where Meat My Friends all began! Hashtag bar, formerly Full Cup, and I will bring you a monthly burlesque show EVERY LAST FRIDAY of the month. I am curious to see what can happen there in a year and who might grace the stage! The first show hits the Island on March 27. No Cover, bring yo' dollas for the raffle & gogo *wink
I need to clear my head and revamp some things for this year, this month, this week, even this day.
I am in the absolute weirdest mood. Looking at my calendar now it seems another fucking month has passed and I'm PMSing. I am probably the worst girl I know because I always do the what's wrong with me? thing and then I realized oh, duh, girl problem again!
This morning I was inconsolable whether I was watching deaf people hear for the first time or a song came on my stereo that made me long for love. FML!
Gees the universe is really annoying. Friday night, I went home and feel sound asleep on the couch after swallowing whole a plate of nachos (my #1 drug of choice). Around 4am-ish I woke up to walk to bed and checked my phone. I had missed a booty text from my ex (my #2 drug of choice). I immediately replied to say sorry was sleeping on the couch, rain check! The next morning, with a clearer head I admitted to him that I wished I would have just told him to come over if it would have kept him from being with someone else...he never replied. So I'll let you know what happens Friday. HA!
Tomorrow night I'll be at Nurse Bettie's with Calamity Chang and crew for the weekly Spanking the Lower East Side. No Cover, tip bucket, go-go girls --- COME OUT!
I meant to write last night, I promise, ask LP! I told her yesterday, but when I got home and into bed with my laptop it was acting like an asshole and I had absolutely no desire to fix it/go into the living room for better wifi. Zzzzz...that's what I did instead.
What are you Valentine's Day plans? If you haven't got any and even find yourself dateless like so many of us, join me and the beautiful audience at the gorgeous Triad uptown for Love Bomb Burlesque. I'll be hosting aka sharing my bitterness with a room full of awesomeness -- who needs A date when you can have ALL the dates??
Ciao for now,
TT
PS: I'm just gonna leave that right there for you! Hope you have a lovefilled weekend <3
Well well well, look who showed up finally...
Just kidding! HIeeee. I know. It's been weeks. Sorry not sorry.
You know my usual spiel: whenever I don't post, I'm either being self-loathing and therefore distancing myself from everything & everyone OR even when I have every intention to sit down with my thoughts, my schedule somehow gets derailed - for good reason - and I don't get to chat with you! So this time it was all for great reasons followed by sheer laziness, fatigue & hungry-ness aka #PMS HA!
Today I was feeling a bit lonely. I have my girl problem. What do we do when we're feeling lonely? We think back to our exes: what was, what coulda been, what shoulda been, etc...I also realized a pattern of relapses. They've been once a month, every month for the past 3 or 4 months. Hormones make girls crazy! Sometimes, I hate to say this, but I love skipping a week or two because back tracking and reliving some moments with you make me so happy!! Actually, not only happy, but incredibly grateful for my small fortunes and also that my memory still serves me for the most part. Not even being sarcastic. I started to forget a lot of things this past year and it freaks me out!
Anyway so gees, 2 weeks huh? I guess the most exciting was performing at Nurse Bettie again, being a guest teacher at Burlesque Bikini Bootcamp, seeing Cabaret & Marilyn Manson in the same week, going to a gallery opening filled with Photog friends' works, 2 sold out G-eazy shows with my amazing coworkers, Musical Bingo, Philly for a friend's birthday, Dinner at my fave place Fonda with a visiting friend...and that might do it! *exhale #ThisIsMyLife
Speaking of Nurse Bettie (in the Lower East Side) -- I'll be there again Feb 12! It's always a super fun show and I'm sure it'll be extra sexy since it's the Valentine's Day edition! Get your love vibes flowin before the weekend hits!
On Valentine's Day, I'll be celebrating with a room full of show goers as I'll be hosting Love Bomb Burlesque at the Triad Theater. I am really pumped to be working and especially with this group of women. This group of women is supportive, inspiring, and only seeking to live happy, fulfilled, & empowered lives. THAT'S ALL!
I met them through working with the ladies behind Burlesque Bikini Bootcamp. It's been a couple of years now and I can truly say how honored I am to have met them and work with them on a regular basis. Most recently, I was a guest lecturer/teacher for the 1st installment of their 4 week Solo Intensive course. That was some pressure. All you can teach is what you know. And what I know is that moving to NYC has been an incredible journey of self-discovery. For some reason the universe put Burlesque in my lap and it's served as the vehicle for becoming my best self. I did not seek it out, it found me. When it comes to performing, what I know is that I thought I'd be the next Lucille Ball of Burlesque on stage, but came to terms with how slow & sensual I naturally am and now prefer to be. What I know as an audience member, is how moved I am by a performer's musicality. I know that every flick of a wrist or wink of an eye is that much more effective when set to a horn, or drum, or crash & boom to silence, etc...it becomes the illusion that your body and mind are in complete control of what the song does rather than the other way around. What I know in the duel roll of performer and regular audience member is that no matter what you wear, no matter what song is playing, no matter who you are, if you are NOT enjoying every move you make no one else will. That said, tell me how this doesn't relate to "real" life too, not just a performer's!
After the lecture/Q&A we did a few exercises to practice what I know best: slowing it down. Using 10 counts we did an entire song with only a few meaningful movements. It emphasized the importance of YOU/your presence as opposed to props and costuming. Those are icing on the cake. I had a blast and look forward to doing it again if the opportunity arises. It also helped invigorate my teaching brain for the bachelorette party that's hopefully still in my future.
Last night I didn't get to finish this post because I went to Indeedy Musical Bingo! It's a UK Bingo sensation that had it's inaugural US show on Monday night at Soho House. I went to meet the managing director to possibly work with them! Meeting is coming up. How fun would it be to host musical bingo games! Fun music, stupid prizes, great audience. That should pretty much be my motto!
No boy news. My crushes are fizzling except for my whacky fantasy boyfriend aka goofy ass lookin Drake. I have major emotional attachment to his music because my ex would always play his music in the cab. Those few hits will always remind me of our rides home. I've also turned on my Match.com profile but without paying you can only do so much. Right now I'm not paying for anything extra in my life. No gym, no dating service, nothing but good times ha! Yes, I said gym. I've really been down on myself about my weight. I just have no motivation to actually get moving. It's definitely the winter, it's definitely the shorter days, and every other excuse I can find. It's just never been my thing but I know that if I sign up for a class or gym membership I'd go. Working out at home just never happens. I also just wish I could afford a treadmill. That sounds dumb because I could just go walk around right? I just love treadmills ha!
Into the universe (aka Facebook) I posted something about splurging to go see Cabaret with Emma Stone and THAT AFTERNOON SOMEONE CALLED ME WITH AN EXTRA TICKET! Every other show was sold out until since it was her last 2 weeks. That's crazy. It was nothing short of amazing. And that theater. I die. It also happened to be Alan's birthday and I found out later he spent his evening at Duane Park. So happy!
I hope you're doing well, it's time for some R&R on my end! Have plans tomorrow night though? I'll be hanging out here! Get your tickets asap.
Phew! Today was a busy day at work, thankfully! It helps the time pass.
I've chewed off my nails. No cigarettes (well barely), no man (only the unavailable, uninterested, or the fantasies), and my jeans don't fit (jeggings obviously do). FML!
I've been in great mood despite all of the above until the night falls. Really until I get into bed and instead of trying to breath deep into relaxation my mind runs around like a maniac and I cry myself to sleep cursing the heavens! It's all so silly as life is so much bigger than these silly things, but right now they are all I truly know. I feel lonely & deprived. So pathetic.
That garbage aside - I have a show this week and am excited to see some of my girls. I'll be at Nurse Bettie on Thursday night with Calamity Chang & co. One of the funnest/most laid back shows in NYC. No cover, gogo, audience participation, with a party atmosphere.
Next up, on Monday, 1/19 (a holiday for us lucky ones) I'll be taking the class & teaching a portion of "Create your Burlesque Solo" with the ladies of Burlesque Bikini Bootcamp. I Am Worthy will focus on positive language and your body. Sign up here! Hope you can make it. I'll be sharing an excerpt the following week!
My tired eyes are giving up as I type. I hope you had a nice weekend, I had a great one of catching up with friends and soaking up some jazz. Stay warm or cool depending on where you live!
It’s so fucking ridiculous how much a bad memory can linger. It takes up so much head space (because you
let it) that you actually forget all the good stuff. I began to reflect on 2014
and had this “it was alright” sort of reaction and then I went HOLD UP! And put
on the brakes *screeeeeeech (not the murderer from Saved by the Bell).
After sitting back and realizing what a moron I was for
thinking I had an alright year, I slapped
myself across the face and THEN asked myself: well how the hell can I top
2014?? Before the year’s end I was on 2 TV shows (Better TV with the smart and beautiful Rachel DeAlto & Midevenings with Jay Miller), in a calendar with the Pinups forPatriots, I hosted red carpet interviews at a film festival (The Nickel Series),
I won a trip to LA and got to watch The Real’s finale taping, I got more
tattoos on my knuckles, I put on 4 amazing shows at Duane Park, I GOT A
RIDICULOUSLY PERFECT NEW JOB (which, if you remember was my #1 goal, woot!), I had
an amazing love although it was lost, I spent my NYE with Coco, and I even won
a big screen TV via the show Super Fun Night (RIP) and Twitter. Gees Louise!
The truth is that the heartache still lingers and that seems
to trump all the good stuff. There are days I choose to be self-loathing
because I just want to be, leave me alone. Most days though, I wake up and
think, holy shit, life is perfect. I am happy, mostly healthy (getting gyno
results this Thursday, I’m pretty sure it’s nothing serious because I hope my
doc would have called as I asked), ambitious, and free. What more could I ask
for as a 31 year old living in NYC?
2015, is off to a wild start and might be giving last year a
run for its money! Get your presale calendar here, benefitting the New York Women’sFoundation and filled with local self-made business owners from performers, to
photographers, to shop girls! My Raw Travel episode that I filmed while still
working at Tatyana Boutique, (formerly Bettie Page Clothing) is airing in February or
March. I will be lecturing for a portion of the Solo Intensive at BurlesqueBikini Bootcamp on 1/19 (sign up!) regarding positive language and your body. I got to perform at the Lovesick Expo again at
the Music Hall of Williamsburg on the 1st Sunday of the year and I
haven’t been smoking. Sooo…not a bad start. I am pumped to say the least. Your continued love & support make all of this so much more fun and worth ever drop of energy <3
What have you been up to? Any fresh or continued goals? Let us know!!
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